What a busy week it has been for us at the MVP, during Maternal Mental Health Week. We’ve had the launch of the new resource that is a ‘one stop shop’ of all of the support available for parents who need help with their mental health in Gloucestershire. We had a Facebook video chat with the Birth Anxiety and Trauma Service, who told us all about the options available for support if you are struggling with anxiety or birth trauma. We’ve also represented service user voice in a variety of different meetings regarding mental health provision in the perinatal period, including for families in NICU, and women who have their babies removed at birth, and attended the Make Birth Better summit to learn more about so many topics in the sphere of Perinatal Mental Health – autism, pregnancy with a high BMI, stillbirth, and early treatment for PTSD, to name just a few. We are, as always, exceptionally privileged to work with such passionate and dedicated professionals, and to share the experiences of Gloucestershire families with those professionals, to improve provision in the future.
MMHW is also a time where many of us who have our own stories of mental illness in the perinatal period, reflect on our experiences and where we were, how we recovered and where we are now. Two of our MVP members have been kind enough to share their thoughts on their experience in this blog. They both share them with you, with the same message: you are not alone. Have a read…
S’s words
“I had a really tough time in the fourth trimester. My pregnancy was extremely hard and I was in and out of triage and A&E right from the start, so I wasn’t expecting things to be easy. I have also suffered with mental health issues for a long time so I was expecting a difficult time. What I didn’t expect in the immediate aftermath of my caesarean section was how debilitating the pain could be and how much I felt I’d lost. I was so excited to have a baby and I didn’t think it would ever happen, so I felt like I was being so ungrateful when I was wishing I had my old life back (I have endometriosis).
The midwives kept saying to me once I’d had my daughter ‘stop worrying so much, just enjoy her’. Whilst I’m sure that was only coming from a supportive place, it made me feel even worse. I wasn’t enjoying my daughter. I wasn’t enjoying being a mum. I felt totally lost and like I had no identity. All I could think was ‘enjoy what? No sleep, pain, crying, pooing, feeding, burping – none of this is enjoyable. What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?’ It got to the point where life came crashing down and I couldn’t see the way out.
Luckily I had a supportive GP and I managed to access the right support in the end. It’s been a long road. I’ve had such a fantastic amount of care from the health visitors including VIG, baby massage which was amazing via the perinatal team, the incredible Infant mental health team and my consultant and her team kept me going through pregnancy. I was privileged to have my consultant deliver my daughter as she happened to be on shift – that was so special.
It’s been a battle for me and I suppose my message during this maternal mental health week to all new mums is that it’s ok to not be loving every second. It’s actually ok to not love any second. Being a mum is hard and I’m 2 years on and still finding myself. Even if you think ‘I can’t quite put my finger on it but I don’t feel right. I don’t feel myself’ and feel you don’t want to trouble anyone, PLEASE speak up. You aren’t alone and there are people who can help you grow and adjust to the new version of you.
Being a Mum is a gift, but it’s also life changing and extremely hard. Social media isn’t real. I’m just as guilty of portraying the great bits of being a Mum without the downsides as anyone else, but in my happy, smiling photos I’m not showing the screaming tantrum in the middle of town, with me on my knees on the pavement gripping onto a child who’s going to hurt herself because she’s flailing as I told her no to something. The photos don’t show the tears that I’ve cried at night when I’ve come home from work and spent my 30 minutes with my daughter before bedtime, because I feel like I’m letting her down and that I’m not good enough for her as I have to work full time.
In reality, we’re all just doing the best we can and that’s always enough. Our children will understand one day that we’re flawed humans, just as they are, just as our ancestors were. It’s ok to be human. So this maternal mental health week, I hope that everyone out there who doesn’t feel enough sits down when they finally get that much needed 5 minutes alone and thinks ‘OK, today was hard, but I’m alive, my child is alive and we’ll try again tomorrow’. Sometimes, that’s enough. Just know that those Mum’s around you who know how you feel are rooting for you and it really does get easier. Every breath you take is a step closer to things being ok, you can do this.”
I’s words
“When I became pregnant with my first child, it soon became apparent that I was struggling with the anxiety around not being in control and feeling something may go wrong (a condition to do with worries I now know to be Generalised Anxiety Disorder or GAD). The counselling I then accessed tapped into so many things I had locked away and so many things to do with negative thinking patterns.
When my little boy was born, I wasn’t mentally prepared for labour or the aftermath. I felt I didn’t recognise my body; I didn’t know how to ask for help without looking weak; I collapsed from exhaustion 2 days after birth. I accessed more counselling to help me feel prepared for the juggle of family life and going back to work. Again, it helped me better understand myself and my perfectionism – one thing we discussed is ‘good enough is good enough’ which I try to say to myself often. We are all trying our best and that IS good enough. We are entitled to do what works best for us as much as others are entitled to do the same for themselves. If a certain event doesn’t work for you, so what? No pressure. No guilt.
The pandemic gave me the space to feel like I wanted to have another child biologically (after considering adoption due to fear after the physical impact having my first child had on my body and the hypothyroidism it led to), but this time I was going to work on feeling ready and prepared (as much as you can!). Hypnobirthing helped hugely and I thoroughly recommend it; I understood my choices and more about mindset. As such, I had a very positive 2nd birth experience. At home, asserting my choices, my husband supported me wonderfully with my water birth. It was all I wanted.
But I didn’t nail the recovery due to the pressure I was putting on myself and my constant worries.
Because I felt better, because things went much smoother than my first birth, I felt like I should be up and moving or sorting. I didn’t think I was doing that much, but my body told me otherwise. It warned me first at 5 days in, with pains. It taught me 9 days in when I had to go to hospital after collapsing, again!
If labour is compared to a marathon, and what your body goes through equates to surgery, in what other situation like that, 3 hours later, would you be left to just ‘get on with things’ when your insides feel like they’re outside and you now have a tiny human being to care for? There seems to be this pressure for post-partum women to be ‘normal’ and get on with things. You can’t see what the body is doing, post-birth, and maybe that’s part of the problem and what makes society underestimate what a woman is going through in those early days. It’s almost taboo to discuss. You can’t see it, but there’s bleeding. You can’t see it, but it feels like electric shocks in their breasts. You can’t see it, but there’s after pains. All of this and then throw in the standard sleep deprivation, rampaging hormones and brain whirlwind, trying to remember feed times and painkiller times… You feel you should be grateful and a healthy baby is enough.
My husband was telling me to take it easier, but I didn’t listen. I thought – but we’ve bought in good ready meals; my mum has been over; I don’t want my son to miss out; my husband’s tired too; birth was ok – you should feel better; you need to get a wash on; stop eating sugar – you’ll regret it; sunshine helps, get out on a walk; go to the park and play with your son…My frustration at thinking I should be feeling better than I was fuelled me out the door!
The irony that I wanted a homebirth to avoid hospital and potentially put myself there from pushing myself too hard is not lost on me.
So I want to use my experiences to say to all women that there should be no self-imposed guilt that because you birthed a child and they’re ok, means that you should be too. They say you should speak to yourself how you’d speak to a friend, and that rings true. Counselling has helped me understand myself better, but it’s also made me realise mental health conversations need normalising – we all have mental health, and thus, just like physical health, why would there not be tough times? Why would a tough time not be juggling parent life? Why would we not seek help and support, from family, friends, professionals? How often do we all silently salute the parent we see in public with the arguing or crying child?
The best thing and the hardest thing can be the same thing.
You are never alone.”
Thank you to ‘S’ and ‘I’ for sharing so eloquently their experiences. The MVP is made up of the knowledge and expertise of our members and we are so grateful to have you in our team.
And now, to you, the person reading this blog today. Are you pregnant, or a new mum? If you are struggling with your mental health, please take this moment to know that you are not alone in your experience, and there is support out there. Take a moment to have a look at the website linked above, and reach out. You are not alone.
If you are a parent, can you share these resources with someone you know? Our video this week talks about common signs and symptoms of birth trauma. If you recognise these in one of your friends, or another parent in a baby group, can you share the information with them about how to get help? Build a community and help someone know that they are not alone.
Are you reflecting on your experience of perinatal mental illness, and the support you did (or did not) receive? We would love to connect with you. Fill in your details on this page and we will be in touch: www.glosmaternityvoices.nhs.uk/get-involved
Are you a professional, working with new families? Take a moment to familiarise yourself with all the support options on the link above. We know so often that it can be a nudge of encouragement from a professional that is the starting point towards a new mum feeling able to reach for support. We are grateful for you all!
Whoever you are, and whatever stage you’re in, we wish you a supported, peaceful MMHW.
Glos MVP x